In this post we’re looking at understanding the pattern of how a reaction to certain events in a moment can quickly escalate and accelerate into Anger and Rage. Once Anger and Rage has become an ingrained pattern, it can be extremely difficult to identify why and how this happens. The energy moves so quickly that it can feel as if self is completely powerless to change this behavior and experience within self. I myself have walked with this pattern almost my whole life. I have found that it is critical to me that I find the exact, specific underlying points to work with, so that I can truly understand where the anger is coming from, and within that be able to reach a practical, effective, and consistent self correction / change. So we’re going to first look at a Self Forgiveness statement:
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I get triggered by events, words, or behaviors in a moment, and find myself escalating quickly into Anger and Rage, it is showing me that I have an underlying point of Fear connected to a memory of a past situation in which I reacted to similar events / words / behaviors, where the moment felt unresolved, and where through this I developed a Fear of experiencing my own emotional reaction, leading me to want to avoid that particular situation / moment, thus manifesting Control and Fighting in order to experience the moment ‘the way I want’ = to be safe from the experience I fear / Fend Off the experience I fear.
Now we’re going to work with an example of how these underlying fears connected to the memory of a past situation can manifest the pattern of wanting to control the moment to be a certain way, which can then lead to the manifestation of Fighting, Anger, and Rage. I’m going to use a fictional scenario which resembles an actual experience from my past:
As a child, a parent sees a mess in the kitchen, and assumes it was you who left it there. They become angry and yell at you to clean up your mess. However, it was in fact someone else who left the mess. You try to explain this, but your parent does not believe you and yells at you to clean it up. You react in this moment within an experience of feeling dismissed, helpless, and not considered. You end up cleaning the mess, but you are now carrying this memory of this experience within you, which includes the fear of the emotional experiences of feeling dismissed, helpless, and not heard, which are now connected energetically to the word ‘Accused / Being Accused‘. This word now has a negative energetic / emotional charge connected to it. This emotionally charged memory has now become part of this word’s Definition for you. Additionally, you now associate ‘cleaning up someone else’s mess’ with the words ‘unfair’ and ‘wrongly accused’.
As a result of these unresolved negative emotional experiences, you now manifest the desire / want for the opposite / positive experience of and as: being heard, being considered, and being able to prove and show to others that you are innocent in moments when you feel you are being ‘wrongly Accused’ of something.
So now, when someone speaks or behaves toward you in a way that activates the word ‘Accused’ / ‘being accused’, or if someone asks you to clean up after someone else, you react with feeling Threatened, because you are actually accessing the memory of that past moment with your parent. The word Accused / Accusation has become a Trigger point for you, as well as the words / events of ‘cleaning up someone else’s mess’. And so you now go into defensiveness, and wanting and needing to ‘explain yourself’ to ‘make the other understand’ that ‘you are innocent’. You are wanting to avoid that emotional experience of feeling dismissed and helpless which you fear. Then, if the other is not changing their behavior / words and continues to ‘accuse you’, you now start to feel helpless, dismissed, not heard, wrongly accused — and you are in fear, because these emotional experiences are unresolved — you feel powerless in the face of these emotions, and you are in essence re-living that past memory with your parent. This fear and helplessness / inability to change the moment / change the other’s view of you, is what ends up compounding within you to the point where you feel trapped / cornered, which is what manifests into Fighting, where Anger and Rage, or possibly for some people it may only manifest as a Stubbornness or Inflexibility, which is the Energetic representation of empowerment / standing up / getting out of feeling trapped. But what is important to take note of here, is that as you can see — you’re not really reacting to and fighting off ‘the other person’ — you’re reacting to and fighting off your own Emotional Experiences of helplessness, and feeling dismissed and powerless.
Through the Energy of Anger and Rage, and we’ll also include Stubbornness, self has the experience that Self is ‘turning the tables’ on the situation, and ‘standing up’. But if you look at the mechanics of this pattern, there is no full consideration of everything that might be involved in the moment, and where the other person might be coming from, or really what might be best in the moment, because Self is consumed within Self’s own Survival pattern of protecting self from the emotional experiences that Self Fears. As long as this pattern is in control of self, self will tend to have a one sided experience and view of any situation in which another is ‘accusing’ you of something. You’re going to end up being very limited in those moments, because you are not clear within yourself – you’re trapped in a memory which you are projecting onto the moment – and thus you are not able to see and consider practical ways of dealing with / moving through the situation.
So we can look at this pattern in terms of the following sequence:
–> Past event (being accused)
–>–> Self experiences Negative Emotional Reactions
–>–>–> Memory is formed
–>–>–>–> Fear of experiencing those Negative Emotions again
–>–>–>–>–> Desire for moment to play out in positive way / desire to experience the Opposite of those Negative Emotions
–>–>–>–>–>–> Self manifests as Survival, self Protection and Control: Avoiding the Fear through Trying to control the moment to give self the positive experience
–>–>–>–>–>–>–> Events happen which resemble the Memory of Past Experience
–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–> Self accesses the Memory of the Past Experience
–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–> Self accesses Control and Self Protection
–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–> Self is unable to control the moment
–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–> Self goes into fear and powerlessness
–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–>–> fear and powerlessness turns to Fighting / Blame as Anger, Rage, Stubbornness, Inflexibility, etc
So to break this pattern of The word ‘Accused’ leading to anger and rage — Self has to come to grips with the Emotional experiences of feeling dismissed, helpless, and not heard — and release the energetic hold of those experiences, as well as redefine self’s relationship to the word ‘Accusation’ / ‘Accused’. In this way Self can resolve and clear that Emotionally Charged past memory.
So now we’ll walk through Self Forgiveness on our example memory of ‘being accused by your parent’, and look at some practical self corrective commitment statements:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the reason I reacted to my parent getting angry and accusing me of leaving the mess, is because I recognized the tone and signature of blame and judgment toward me, which I took personally. And the reason I took it personally is because I saw myself as being responsible and innocent, and wanted to experience myself as these things, and wanted to be seen by my parent as these things, and thus when my parent yelled at me and saw me as irresponsible, believing I left the mess, I reacted and attempted to defend my self definition of myself as ‘Responsible and Innocent’
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘being responsible’ is a practical consideration and application that is lived moment to moment, and is not a positive experience / self image / state of being generated through external feedback.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that because I was busy feeling defensive about ‘being innocent’, that it did not even occur to me to consider what might be the most practical / best thing to do in that moment — where since it was only me and my parent there at the time, the quickest way to resolve the reactive situation would be to simply agree to clean up the mess. Or for instance say ‘oh, sorry – I didn’t leave that mess but I’ll gladly clean it up’. Or for example, it didn’t occur to me to consider where my parent is coming from and what events might have led up to them reacting to / snapping when seeing the mess.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when someone accuses me of something, that I must immediately go into ‘defending myself’, instead of realizing that when I feel defensive, it’s because I am accessing my own self definitions / self image which I am wanting to protect
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I was not at the time able to see the situation practically, end up manifesting a fear of feeling that I cannot explain my innocence / a fear of feeling wrongly accused, which then manifested the desire to be able to ‘prove my innocence’ — and thus also manifesting the pattern of wanting to / trying to control how another sees me in a moment of ‘accusation’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this manifest the pattern of going into Anger as the illusion of Empowerment, where I then fight / use anger toward those who I feel have ‘wrongly accused me’, believing that I am ‘standing up for myself against being unfairly treated’ — not seeing and realizing that I am the whole time actually just trying to ‘fight off’ my own emotional experience of feeling ‘dismissed’ and ‘not heard’ and ‘wrongly accused’
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have nothing to lose within considering where another is coming from, and how I might have contributed to a moment in which someone accuses / perceives me as having done something wrong / not effectively / neglected something — as if it turns out their accusation is misplaced or not entirely accurate, I can simply communicate anything necessary to communicate in that moment from a point of stability, instead of reacting to their accusation and making the situation worse / escalating the reactions of both
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is as a rule ‘unfair’ to clean up after someone else, instead of seeing and realizing that these things are a matter of considering what is best in the given moment, which enables me to be flexible and adapt to the situation, instead of having emotional patterns take over and prevent me from considering everything in the moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the facial expression, voice tonality, words that have the signature of ‘Accusing me of something’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative emotional energetic charge to the word ‘Accused’ / ‘Accusing’, through my fear of experiencing myself as unable to ‘prove my innocence’, and to Link this emotionally charged word to that memory of the past event. Where now, if someone’s face, words, voice tonality resembles that of my Parent from my past experience, then I access the experience of ‘feeling wrongly accused’
When and as someone accuses me of something that I feel / see that I did not do, I commit myself to remind myself that I am not being ‘attacked’ or ‘harmed’, and that I can Trust myself to simply listen to the other, and consider the situation, to then see what point of communication opens up
When and as I feel myself going into anger / rage / stubbornness in relation to someone ‘accusing’ me of something that I see I didn’t do / feel that I didn’t do, I commit myself to stop — Breathe — and suspend / put my reaction on HOLD for a moment, and remind myself that my anger indicates that I am reacting to some emotional experience of powerlessness within myself, and that the PRIORITY in that moment, is to address my own reaction. And if I need to leave the room / stop participating with the other person — then will do that, so that I can take responsibility for myself by letting my reaction discharge so that I can then look at what emotional experience within myself I reacted to
When and as I am faced with having to clean up after someone else, I commit myself to remind myself that cleaning up after others happens sometimes, and is necessary sometimes, and if I see there is a pattern of someone leaving a mess — I can then discuss the point with whoever else is involved in a practical, non blamey / non judgey way. But if I am reacting and feeling that I am being treated unfairly, then that’s going to make me speak in reaction and miss out on other ways the point could be expressed / discussed.
When and as I experience someone’s face / voice / words taking on the signature of ‘Accusing me’, I commit myself to remind myself to breathe, and remind myself that there is nothing actually ‘bad’ / ‘wrong’ with someone perceiving me as having done something that I didn’t do, and that this is a matter of consideration, reflection, and communication – not reaction, defending, and fighting
When and as someone ‘Accuses me’ of something I didn’t do, I commit myself to apply and live the words: Patience, Hearing, Considering, and Self Reflection, within taking the time to process what the other is saying, consider where they might be coming from, and reflect on myself within asking myself might I have contributed to their reaction in some way, and might there be truth / validity in what they are saying? Where, if I don’t do this – then I can’t really uncover what the most practical way to deal with the situation might be.
I commit myself to take responsibility for my reactions of anger, rage, stubbornness, inflexibility, defensiveness, within taking the time and doing the work of uncovering where and how these experiences originated in me — what am I fearing? What emotions do I feel unable to deal with, thus manifesting powerlessness within me, leading to fighting as anger?
When and as I experience myself being ‘Accused’ of something, I commit myself to Accept that I am being Accused, instead of immediately going into Fighting / Devensiveness / Resistance to the situation.
I commit myself to practice Accepting and being okay with being Accused of something, and to within this practice Trusting myself to Find the practical, best way to deal with the situation, realizing that this will take Practice because for years I have trained in / conditioned in the pattern of Fighting / Getting Angry
I commit myself to develop and practice Real Empowerment through Assisting and Supporting myself with Breathing, Slowing down, Consideration, Self Reflection, Self Forgiveness, and to no longer give my power to the Illusion of Empowerment as Anger / Fighting
I’ll leave it at this so it doesn’t get too long. Investigate the Desteni I Process courses to learn how to develop this kind of self investigation, and how to apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements.